Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Challenging words

From a post on the Inspire website: 

"The definition of the wisdom of God means that He will bring about the best possible results, by the best possible means, for the most possible people, for the longest period of time, to bring Him the greatest glory."

Translation: "If there was an easier way, if there was a kinder way, if there was a less dramatic way, if there was a less painful way for you, I would have provided it. However, I need to do a way deeper work in you then you knew. I need to take you places where you have never been before. It's not about people it's about Me. You can trust Me or not trust Me. I am all wise. I have orchestrated and allowed these circumstances into your life. You need to decide if God is all wise or not."

She said she did not know the author of the quote. I love the message. May I remember it. 

In need of some Christmas spirit.

Prayers for my BFF, if you have a moment. First pregnancy has now been deemed a miscarriage. I wish I had magic words for her and her hubby. Makes it even more evident how miraculous life is and how quickly it's lost. I need some good news. Christmas doesn't look so cheery this year.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Oh Progesterone...

Went to the RE today. Explained the horrible periods and pain. He believes it is caused by thick endometrial lining. So onto progesterone I go! We are going to try it for two months and see if I get some improvement in my cycles. Also spoke with him about DH's chances of ever making sperm. With a gentle hand on my knee he said it was probably not ever going to happen. He had a look in his eye that made me think he was breaking this news to me. (Little does he know all the countless internet research and journal article research I have conducted in the last months!) It was a tough pill to swallow today. I've heard it from several people. It's never going to get easy. And it makes me all the more curious about just getting back onto birth control. No PCOS symptoms sounds awesome. But I believe in miracles, right? And I don't want to give up on hubby.
BFF texted me that she had an unplanned doctor's appointment today. She's the one who is 7 wks and been bleeding for a week with what they thought was a subchorionic hematoma. . I still haven't heard from her. It's making me kind of ill. I worry about her so much. I know I've said it before, but I never want IF to ruin my heart for those that don't have IF issues.
On another frustrating note - my not-so-smart sister with three children, no income, and a new boyfriend despite the divorce being final, is PREGNANT with her fourth child! How fantastic! I keep telling hubby that God must have some amazing child waiting in the wings for us. I cannot see it any other way. I've got to just keep telling myself that. All four of my younger sisters could qualify for Teen Mom. Granted the fourth one is not pregnant yet, thank god! But I fear the time is coming.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Hubby is healing well. He's going to return to work tomorrow, which is actually a day early. It's good to see him doing well. I have an appointment with the RE tomorrow about my terrible cramps, chronic abdominal pain (that I've had for three years, but seems to be getting worse lately) and what I should do about needing more than ibuprofen during AF. Hope that I get some answers....
I often wonder about PCOS and the correlation with chronic abdominal pain. Some definitions of PCOS include abdominal pain, and others clearly don't. Although, I've had this pain despite birth control. I would think if it's PCOS related the pills would have controlled it. Who knows? I sure don't.
On a brighter note - hubby and I are seriously thinking about doing a small triathlon this upcoming August. I am NOT in shape! I AM overweight. (According to the BMI...I think I have officially fallen into the obese category - Although I don't know how that could be!) But, it's something I have always wanted to do. Watching Ironman Triathlon this weekend on TV renewed my interest. I'm gonna make this goal before the first of the year. Can't ever seem to keep those ones...

Friday, December 17, 2010

One less nut

Hubby's surgery went really well. Small incision. Hopefully he will heal quickly. No masses or other very concerning things seen. Other than a very small undescended testicle. Percocet and a private duty bedside nurse. He should be back to himself in no time!
We spent the whole day watching t.v. under blankets on the couch. (Quite relaxing if you ask me)
So, now we hope that the one bad testicle was influencing the good one and we might see a drop in his FSH. And, then maybe some little swimmers. Wouldn't that be a great surprise! (Highly unlikely, but we cannot help but be a little hopeful.)
Thank you all for your thoughts and well wishes.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Tomorrow is almost here

Hubby goes in for his orchiotomy tomorrow. Discarding the bad nut. Can't say I'm not a little apprehensive. Not the surgery so much, just that he's loosing a sperm manufacturing area... Yes, I know it's non-functional. I know it's not doing him any good. I know it puts him at a high risk for testicular cancer. But, somehow it seems like a step farther from babies. Illogical, I know. Thankfully that's what this blog is for!
So, prayers would be appreciated. My poor hubby almost faints at the sight of needles. It will be a very trying day for him. We have played out the whole thing. I have given him every nurse insider tip possible. We ran through the OR play-by-play. Now let's hope it all goes as planned. AND,  that he doesn't stop producing testosterone, or something crazy like that.
Also, BFF is still bleeding. They are going to see her Monday in the clinic. I hate living so far away from her. Prayers for her and her little one. Or loss of little one. And her hubby too.
Hopefully we can start talking babies again after this nutty issue is resolved...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

F-you AF!

Ranting. That's all this post is about. If I have to endure one more day of horrible cramps and and hemorrhaging I just might crawl into bed and never come out again! (Actually, that sounds kind of nice today...) Made an appointment with my RE. It's never been this bad. Thanks to my hoarder nurse like tendencies with medications I had some leftover narcotics stashed for safe keeping. I couldn't have made it a couple of nights with out them. I better not be developing Endo on top of PCOS...
Oh, and hubby's surgery is on Friday. Prayers would be appreciated for a quick recovery. AND, maybe a chance at getting his one good testicle a chance at functioning. (I can dream, right?)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Too many babies?

I just ventured over to the Stirrup Queens blogroll to have a look-see at what's going on in the Azoo world. BABIES! Everyone over there is complaining of pregnancy symptoms or showing of a cute little baby. What happened? Sometimes I search for sympathy. None from the Azoo corner I take it...
And, so many of them used donor sperm. Which is not on our menu thanks to my DH. Oh life, what do you have up your magic sleeves for us?
I know two posts in one day... I'm snowed in. Bored. Tired of watching T.V.

2500 miles away from a tearful BFF

Got a call yesterday from my bestest (yes, it's a word when they are that great of a friend) friend that she was spotting yesterday. I believe she is about 6 or 7 weeks along in her pregnancy with her first. The nurse in me tried to re-assure her that pink/brownish spotting isn't that bad and that she should just take it easy and call her OB/GYN in the morning. Well, I got a dreaded phone call this AM. Turns out she went to the ED last night with bright red bleeding and cramping. 

I am so sad for her. 1st pregnancy. She told near everyone about it. And now the loss her and her hubby face is almost overwhelming. And so, after hanging up the phone with her I started re-thinking and fearing the unknown. 
How can I spend thousands of dollars in a quest for a child if it ends in miscarriage? How can I even contemplate traveling across the world to have a maybe baby implanted for thousands of dollars to come back home and wait for a miracle? I like gambling, but only when it's penny slots! 
Can I live through the let down after all the excitement has passed? We cannot afford to do this too many times. Emotionally I cannot afford to do this too many times. The IF's of life are weighing me down! 
AND, on another note:
Thank-you AF for your unexpected visit on my 5th wedding anniversary. Not only were you not welcomed and not expected, but you caused me more pain and suffering this month that I can remember having in a long time. So much so that I will have to make an appointment to see the GYN. If not for some stashed-away narcotics I would not have made it through this weekend! 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Almond Joy's got nuts...Mounds don't.

I love my mother-in-law. The last week with her was so refreshing. Of course I couldn't avoid chatting with her about her son's upcoming appointment to have his 36-year-old undescended testicle removed. A conversation I was trying to avoid, but one she needed to be a part of.
After I confirmed that his SA results were zero she grabbed my hand and said 'her and Daddy were with us 100% of the way, in whatever we decided to do.' And then, in a way only her family can joke she said DH must be her little Mounds.... Only a joke his mother could make without it causing any pain.
So, the surgery is set for the 17th of this month. I love being a nurse, but I'm not sure how my hubby is going to like it...
And hubby was told by his urologist that 'theoretically there is the possibility that once the "bad" testicle is removed, the other one might start behaving....' I cannot help but think that this is such a far-fetched theory. I think my DH is 'living-on-a-prayer' that things are going to magically change. I cannot help but be pessimistic about it. I think IF does that to us. (That and the fact that there are no case studies or evidence to suggest that to could happen.) But I believe in miracles for my patients, why can't I believe in them for myself...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Seven pairs of SPANX for seven different days!

Flying home tomorrow. Thanks to stress, night shifts, PCOS, and some IF depression I am going home almost 30lbs. heavier. So, I got my hair colored and cut and bought some new clothes. But you know I still wont be able to hide this damn double chin of mine... So SPANX it is! How about it? One cruel, breath-taking, tummy-tucking, butt-lifting piece of spandex for each day I'm home! Hey, I might even have to eat less from the increased intra-abdominal pressure...
Oh, and I haven't mentioned yet that my way of dealing with this IF shit is flapping my mouth about it. So, I am going home to face extra tight hugs and sad faces from the people who asked about us having babies for the last five years. I know some of them truly hurt because I hurt. But, can't we just pretend that none of this is going on for a week.
Oh, and you know what could be even better??? If that surprise PCOS Aunt Flow comes to visit during my vacation. (It would be just like her!) Who else hates carrying "feminine items" along with them every where they go?
Catch ya'll on the flip side... (Oh, and thank-you followers. I have already enjoyed your own blogs and your company here.)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Home for pre-christmas

Hubby and I are going home for a wedding this next week. We'll also call it an early Christmas. I am nervous about how I might feel around all the babies and my newly pregnant BFF. I guess you could say I've hit the anger stage of the grieving process. It's hard to look at tiny babies and pregnant bellies. BUT, I don't want to ever become hateful around precious little ones. Nor do I want to ban myself from interacting with those around me who have never felt the loss that comes with infertility. I fear of being the girl that refuses to go to baby showers! 
Hubby has not gotten his date yet for his "nut surgery", as he so lovingly calls it. I am amazed at his day-at-a-time approach to this trying time in our lives. He feels the loss of fertility like I do, but I guess he's able to process it better...
We started putting money away for Zlin... $1000.00 a month should get us there before the end of the year. I hope I don't regret this decision. I just don't see how else we would ever afford DE/DS? And we all thought the children were expensive after the were born...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Never thought I'd be one of those...

First of all -
If you have found yourself here, thank-you. My intentions for this blog are to openly share our struggles with infertility, and to give myself a place to ramble on about the many ideas floating through my brain.
Many thoughts cross my mind when I think of blogs and why people start them. And, until recently I found myself as one of those people that had no use for one. It wasn't until I began searching the internet for couples stuck in the same situation as us that I realized I needed a place to vent. It's a small percentage of the IF population that is dealing with azoospermia and PCOS and I have cleaved so much information from the blogs from those few couples. May we add our advice to the mix for those who share this path with us.
Our Story:
DH and I have been married almost 5 years. We come from large families. I finished nursing school in Dec '09, and our intentions were to start a family soon after. I got off BCP in November and started cycling every 60-90 days. Finally went to see my GYN after about six months of frustration. Most likely diagnosis was PCOS, although I passed my glucose challenge test. So we talked about options and decided to start Clomid the following month. Hubby got a SA as well. 3 days from my "most fertile" time the doctors office called DH to report that no sperm was seen in his analysis. Appointment was scheduled with a reproductive endocrinologist to go over the results. Then lab work was sent to rule out a hormonal issue. FSH came back one of the highest he's every seen at 30.1. All other lab work was fine.
Two weeks ago DH met with a Urologist that specializes in male factor infertility. He also commented that DH's FSH was one of the highest he's ever seen. (Oh, joy!) Did an exam and became quite concerned that DH had an undescended teste. So, emergent CT scan. Stress over testicular CA for 24 hours. CT came back negative for any masses THANK GOD! Urologist suggests removing teste as soon as possible related to high risk of testicular cancer. So, here we are waiting for the surgery schedular to call back with a date for his orchiotomy.
(Please someone tell me how a man goes almost four decades of life without someone detecting an undescended testicle!!!)
In the mean time we have discussed our options and the very small possibility that DH will be able to biologically have his own children. We are seriously considering IVF with donor embryo at a well recognized clinic in Zlin, Czech Republic. For those of you who don't know, it's about 1/3 of the cost for donor embryo as here in the US.
Some might ask why not use donor sperm? Because my DH is adamantly against it... So, end of that discussion. I see the "fairness" in making our child none of ours biologically. It balances out the playing field.
Welcome to our adventure...