Hubby and I are going home for a wedding this next week. We'll also call it an early Christmas. I am nervous about how I might feel around all the babies and my newly pregnant BFF. I guess you could say I've hit the anger stage of the grieving process. It's hard to look at tiny babies and pregnant bellies. BUT, I don't want to ever become hateful around precious little ones. Nor do I want to ban myself from interacting with those around me who have never felt the loss that comes with infertility. I fear of being the girl that refuses to go to baby showers! 
Hubby has not gotten his date yet for his "nut surgery", as he so lovingly calls it. I am amazed at his day-at-a-time approach to this trying time in our lives. He feels the loss of fertility like I do, but I guess he's able to process it better...
We started putting money away for Zlin... $1000.00 a month should get us there before the end of the year. I hope I don't regret this decision. I just don't see how else we would ever afford DE/DS? And we all thought the children were expensive after the were born...

First of all -
If you have found yourself here, thank-you. My intentions for this blog are to openly share our struggles with infertility, and to give myself a place to ramble on about the many ideas floating through my brain.
Many thoughts cross my mind when I think of blogs and why people start them. And, until recently I found myself as one of those people that had no use for one. It wasn't until I began searching the internet for couples stuck in the same situation as us that I realized I needed a place to vent. It's a small percentage of the IF population that is dealing with azoospermia and PCOS and I have cleaved so much information from the blogs from those few couples. May we add our advice to the mix for those who share this path with us.
Our Story:
DH and I have been married almost 5 years. We come from large families. I finished nursing school in Dec '09, and our intentions were to start a family soon after. I got off BCP in November and started cycling every 60-90 days. Finally went to see my GYN after about six months of frustration. Most likely diagnosis was PCOS, although I passed my glucose challenge test. So we talked about options and decided to start Clomid the following month. Hubby got a SA as well. 3 days from my "most fertile" time the doctors office called DH to report that no sperm was seen in his analysis. Appointment was scheduled with a reproductive endocrinologist to go over the results. Then lab work was sent to rule out a hormonal issue. FSH came back one of the highest he's every seen at 30.1. All other lab work was fine.
Two weeks ago DH met with a Urologist that specializes in male factor infertility. He also commented that DH's FSH was one of the highest he's ever seen. (Oh, joy!) Did an exam and became quite concerned that DH had an undescended teste. So, emergent CT scan. Stress over testicular CA for 24 hours. CT came back negative for any masses THANK GOD! Urologist suggests removing teste as soon as possible related to high risk of testicular cancer. So, here we are waiting for the surgery schedular to call back with a date for his orchiotomy.
(Please someone tell me how a man goes almost four decades of life without someone detecting an undescended testicle!!!)
In the mean time we have discussed our options and the very small possibility that DH will be able to biologically have his own children. We are seriously considering IVF with donor embryo at a well recognized clinic in Zlin, Czech Republic. For those of you who don't know, it's about 1/3 of the cost for donor embryo as here in the US.
Some might ask why not use donor sperm? Because my DH is adamantly against it... So, end of that discussion. I see the "fairness" in making our child none of ours biologically. It balances out the playing field.
Welcome to our adventure...