Sunday, March 13, 2011

A couple steps forward

First of four homestudies was completed on Friday. We learned a ton of information. Overloaded with information actually. But it feels good to be in the planning stages of something again. I love to plan.
The best part about our meeting came out of questions we had to answer about each other. I was reaffirmed about how much my hubby loves me and why he is still in love with me. It was great having him explain how he knew I was suppose to be his wife. How he knows I love him now. How I show him I love him in everyday life. Like a sweet anniversary talk, but better. Oh, and it's now in a legal document!
We are now busying ourselves with getting our autobiographies done and writing our "Dear Birthmother" letter. Our social worker told us she want's us to complete all of our paperwork rather quickly. They are currently in the early stages of working with two birthmothers and want to be able to show our profile! (I know it's early and they could back out at any time...) but it's so exciting to think that maybe my little one is being formed at the moment. Specially created, just for us!
We have started to think about fundraising. It's hard to justify soliciting money from our loved ones. We thought about a garage sale. T-shirts are a popular idea. But there is no quick way to try to obtain 30k!

In all of this excitement I have been feeling sad at the loss of being in the group of azoo/pcos/art girls. I feel like I no longer fit in on the boards under third-party reproduction. It has been such a big part of my everyday life to get on and follow the stories of so many courageous couples. The adoption groups are not the same. In some respect it's like going through a really long cycle and TWW. They say once all your paperwork is done you become 'paper pregnant'. (A very long pregnancy, I might add!).

Today though, adoption feels like my path to motherhood. Hubs and I have even started thinking that a mixed racial kid would be o.k. Our ideas about adoption are changing. Hopefully the excitement of all of this will outweigh the infertility woes that lurk in my darkness. It's a new exciting adventure. I need to give us a chance.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


The combination of being sleep deprived, depressed, and sitting among cute pregnant fertile women destroyed my morning. Why I chose to see an RE with an office in an OB/GYN clinic is beyond me! The tears started flowing the moment I walked in the door. I was literally diverting my eyes from looking at all those big beautiful bellies. Then the RE speculates that I am developing some endo and recommends I get back on BCP's to see if my pain gets better. I know that creating a child the old fashioned way is next to impossible for hubby and I. But it feels so wrong to be back on the pill... What about my miracle child?
I told the RE we had moved on to adoption. But you know, I'm not sure if I have moved on to adoption. I still want that baby bump. I'm angry at my hubby for not letting us use donor sperm. You better believe we would have used donor eggs if the tables were turned... Everytime I hear that someone might be donating their 'leftover' embies I get a little excited. I know I'm supposed to grieve the loss of not being able to be pregnant and carry a child. But I don't know how to get there. I feel like I lost something important by not trying to get pregnant. Even if it were a couple failed attempts. I don't even get to say we tried. (Well, we try but you know...)
And I am SO tired of everyone saying that as soon as we get an adoption placement we'll get pregnant naturally! It's just as horrible as saying 'just stop trying and it will happen'. Or my grandma that told me that I just needed to pray about it and it would happen... REALLY? Because I've never thought about praying for something I wanted so bad.
My hubby says that he feels like he's holding me back from something important in my life. What do I say to him? I don't want to make him feel any worse. Azoo has got to feel like a pretty horrible place to be. At least I have the internet and my blogs. He has no one. And all four of his office buddies are having babies in the next month or so.
Homestudy is friday. I hope she doesn't ask me to describe how I've moved on from wanting to carry a child of my own. I don't have a clue about how I am going to overcome this one!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

1st home study next Friday...

We are officially starting the process... 1st home study is next Friday! 3 hours of life review and other fun things! Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel a darkness creep up inside me as I acknowledge that we are moving on with adoption. The loss of not pursing pregnancy/labor is really starting darken my outlook. Will I ever get over the loss of not carrying a child? Yet in the same breath I cannot fathom the pain so many of my infertile cyber family have faced. Our odds are so stacked against us. I pray that God settles my heart and helps me realize that something little and perfect is out there for us. We just have to wait for that perfect creation to be born. And may I find a good therapist who doesn't just acknowledge that infertility is a factor of my life but understands the pain and realities of it all.