Tuesday, March 8, 2011


The combination of being sleep deprived, depressed, and sitting among cute pregnant fertile women destroyed my morning. Why I chose to see an RE with an office in an OB/GYN clinic is beyond me! The tears started flowing the moment I walked in the door. I was literally diverting my eyes from looking at all those big beautiful bellies. Then the RE speculates that I am developing some endo and recommends I get back on BCP's to see if my pain gets better. I know that creating a child the old fashioned way is next to impossible for hubby and I. But it feels so wrong to be back on the pill... What about my miracle child?
I told the RE we had moved on to adoption. But you know, I'm not sure if I have moved on to adoption. I still want that baby bump. I'm angry at my hubby for not letting us use donor sperm. You better believe we would have used donor eggs if the tables were turned... Everytime I hear that someone might be donating their 'leftover' embies I get a little excited. I know I'm supposed to grieve the loss of not being able to be pregnant and carry a child. But I don't know how to get there. I feel like I lost something important by not trying to get pregnant. Even if it were a couple failed attempts. I don't even get to say we tried. (Well, we try but you know...)
And I am SO tired of everyone saying that as soon as we get an adoption placement we'll get pregnant naturally! It's just as horrible as saying 'just stop trying and it will happen'. Or my grandma that told me that I just needed to pray about it and it would happen... REALLY? Because I've never thought about praying for something I wanted so bad.
My hubby says that he feels like he's holding me back from something important in my life. What do I say to him? I don't want to make him feel any worse. Azoo has got to feel like a pretty horrible place to be. At least I have the internet and my blogs. He has no one. And all four of his office buddies are having babies in the next month or so.
Homestudy is friday. I hope she doesn't ask me to describe how I've moved on from wanting to carry a child of my own. I don't have a clue about how I am going to overcome this one!


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