Monday, April 4, 2011

I need a positive blog

Home study is almost complete. Hubby and I go in this week for fingerprinting and are working on writing our Dear Birthmother letter. That is quite a task! The most important "resume" I have ever tried to create. Hubby and I sat down for several hours and got no further than the first paragraph....
People are starting to ask more about how it's all going. I need a more positive outlook on it all. It needs not to be the "second best" option for me. The amount of envy I have for everyone pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or even with the possibility of pregnancy is more than I can handle. 5 people will have their beautiful babies around me in the next two months. So, I'm on the quest for a new therapist. The one I'm trying to get in with specializes with "Reproductive Issues" and is a psychiatrist. It's a hundred dollars a session though... all the good ones refuse to deal with insurance. Stinks.
All that being said, I think I need a new blog. One that gets happy about the adoption journey. One that people can go to and see how we are getting ready for a baby. If my family followed me on here they would see a very different side of me. I'm sure that is true with most of us blogging on infertility. Although, maybe if someone of those key people in our lives read our pain they would understand a little better.
I plan on drinking a lot of beer this summer. I banned prenatals from my morning routine. I'm going to loose some weight. I've got to take this "paper pregnancy" for all that it's worth. I've got to get happy about something, this darkness is too familiar and I don't want to be there again.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

A couple steps forward

First of four homestudies was completed on Friday. We learned a ton of information. Overloaded with information actually. But it feels good to be in the planning stages of something again. I love to plan.
The best part about our meeting came out of questions we had to answer about each other. I was reaffirmed about how much my hubby loves me and why he is still in love with me. It was great having him explain how he knew I was suppose to be his wife. How he knows I love him now. How I show him I love him in everyday life. Like a sweet anniversary talk, but better. Oh, and it's now in a legal document!
We are now busying ourselves with getting our autobiographies done and writing our "Dear Birthmother" letter. Our social worker told us she want's us to complete all of our paperwork rather quickly. They are currently in the early stages of working with two birthmothers and want to be able to show our profile! (I know it's early and they could back out at any time...) but it's so exciting to think that maybe my little one is being formed at the moment. Specially created, just for us!
We have started to think about fundraising. It's hard to justify soliciting money from our loved ones. We thought about a garage sale. T-shirts are a popular idea. But there is no quick way to try to obtain 30k!

In all of this excitement I have been feeling sad at the loss of being in the group of azoo/pcos/art girls. I feel like I no longer fit in on the boards under third-party reproduction. It has been such a big part of my everyday life to get on and follow the stories of so many courageous couples. The adoption groups are not the same. In some respect it's like going through a really long cycle and TWW. They say once all your paperwork is done you become 'paper pregnant'. (A very long pregnancy, I might add!).

Today though, adoption feels like my path to motherhood. Hubs and I have even started thinking that a mixed racial kid would be o.k. Our ideas about adoption are changing. Hopefully the excitement of all of this will outweigh the infertility woes that lurk in my darkness. It's a new exciting adventure. I need to give us a chance.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


The combination of being sleep deprived, depressed, and sitting among cute pregnant fertile women destroyed my morning. Why I chose to see an RE with an office in an OB/GYN clinic is beyond me! The tears started flowing the moment I walked in the door. I was literally diverting my eyes from looking at all those big beautiful bellies. Then the RE speculates that I am developing some endo and recommends I get back on BCP's to see if my pain gets better. I know that creating a child the old fashioned way is next to impossible for hubby and I. But it feels so wrong to be back on the pill... What about my miracle child?
I told the RE we had moved on to adoption. But you know, I'm not sure if I have moved on to adoption. I still want that baby bump. I'm angry at my hubby for not letting us use donor sperm. You better believe we would have used donor eggs if the tables were turned... Everytime I hear that someone might be donating their 'leftover' embies I get a little excited. I know I'm supposed to grieve the loss of not being able to be pregnant and carry a child. But I don't know how to get there. I feel like I lost something important by not trying to get pregnant. Even if it were a couple failed attempts. I don't even get to say we tried. (Well, we try but you know...)
And I am SO tired of everyone saying that as soon as we get an adoption placement we'll get pregnant naturally! It's just as horrible as saying 'just stop trying and it will happen'. Or my grandma that told me that I just needed to pray about it and it would happen... REALLY? Because I've never thought about praying for something I wanted so bad.
My hubby says that he feels like he's holding me back from something important in my life. What do I say to him? I don't want to make him feel any worse. Azoo has got to feel like a pretty horrible place to be. At least I have the internet and my blogs. He has no one. And all four of his office buddies are having babies in the next month or so.
Homestudy is friday. I hope she doesn't ask me to describe how I've moved on from wanting to carry a child of my own. I don't have a clue about how I am going to overcome this one!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

1st home study next Friday...

We are officially starting the process... 1st home study is next Friday! 3 hours of life review and other fun things! Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel a darkness creep up inside me as I acknowledge that we are moving on with adoption. The loss of not pursing pregnancy/labor is really starting darken my outlook. Will I ever get over the loss of not carrying a child? Yet in the same breath I cannot fathom the pain so many of my infertile cyber family have faced. Our odds are so stacked against us. I pray that God settles my heart and helps me realize that something little and perfect is out there for us. We just have to wait for that perfect creation to be born. And may I find a good therapist who doesn't just acknowledge that infertility is a factor of my life but understands the pain and realities of it all.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Saying good-bye to a fur-baby.

Brewer was our first love. A small, helpless puppy with the sweetest face. We saw him at the Humane Association. We left and found ourselves talking about him on the way home. And so, the very next day we made him our own. Our first dog together.
As days and months went by we realized this was not the dog we had envisioned. His projected 50lbs. quickly turned into a tall and lean 90 lbs. He was hyper and learned how to escape. He started becoming protective and fearful. He nipped a few of our house guests and a random guy in the neighborhood.
Over a $1000.00 of training, 3 behavioral specialists, and a electric fence later we have come to a heart-wrenching decision. Our first fur-baby has to go. We will not be able to submit our home study without a letter from the vet stating he does not have the potential to harm. And with his biting history he cannot be re-homed. We have been told our options are to surrender him back to the Humane Association or euthanize him at our vet. Regardless, his days here on earth are limited.
This is my husbands best pal, our little dogs best friend, and our cats favorite sleeping mate.
My heart just aches! It has never been my opinion that an animal should be put down for being aggressive. Yet here we are, stuck in a place I guess I always knew was coming. We always knew he wasn't a good dog. He's caused lots of anxiety for my DH and I. But we loved him despite it all.
Cesar Millan where are you? I've got a project for the doggie psychology center. Please?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Can I get a medically induced coma?

Yes, a medically induced coma. I need a break from thinking about babies, IF, AF, what if, azoo, adoption, agencies, DS, DE, Zlin, baby bumps, irresponsible teen moms, and all other things related to these desires. I will take a steady infusion of propofol and fentanyl. It would quite possibly the only way I could stop thinking about it all. 3 or 4 days would be enough.... And if you monitor me while I sleep (I'll provide you detailed instructions), I will do the same for you... No Michael Jackson/ Dr. Murray mishaps. I'm a very cautious nurse. Like a little vacation...

Instead I will spend all my time off researching adoption agencies, making a budget, doing my taxes, and dreaming/stressing about our future. Then Monday night we have a meeting at a local agency that I have a good vibe for. Panel style discussion group with couples that have already adopted. Maybe we will find an agency we like. They don't require a 10k retainer. That's a plus. But, they also only placed 6 domestic infant adoptions last year. Never-the-less they can do our home study.

I'm still sad about heading towards adoption some days. I cannot help but think about the fact that money played such an issue in our journey. If we would have had infertility coverage on our insurance I'm sure our journey would have looked a little differently. That first time around could have worked... something could have worked. Or maybe we are just being spared from running out of chances at having our own baby bump. It's hard to think right now that just as people are meant to have babies, others are meant to adopt. In my brain it's still a second rate plan. It's gonna change. Just hope the healing happens before I crack apart. (I think it's time to get back on my Wellbutrin....such a happy little pill!)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Three books down and a thousand thoughts later...

So, it's for real. We are scared about the possibility and failed fertility treatments and are adopting. We've talked about it all week. DH seems so much more at ease. Except - there is so much to learn! Calling agencies, talking to people to did it themselves, the wait, the money, the birthmothers. It all seems a bit surreal and also a bit sad.
And then there is still the issue of the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad periods. I am in the process of petitioning my RE for metformin for the dreaded PCOS. Of course I have an 'old school' doc who believes in only prescribing me meds if I truly require them. So, more expensive blood work! In the mean time this Prometrium is no longer doing the trick. I just don't understand! I give up the baby bump, but still have to deal with this stupid shit! I want my BCP back... But I just cannot give up on the miracle that wont ever happen. (That is that my DH suddenly produces sperm and I miraculously ovulate). A girls allowed to dream, right?
I've been talking a lot about IF lately. Maybe my calling in life is to be an IF nurse educator... someone's got to tell the world how much our lives suck on a daily basis!