Brewer was our first love. A small, helpless puppy with the sweetest face. We saw him at the Humane Association. We left and found ourselves talking about him on the way home. And so, the very next day we made him our own. Our first dog together.
As days and months went by we realized this was not the dog we had envisioned. His projected 50lbs. quickly turned into a tall and lean 90 lbs. He was hyper and learned how to escape. He started becoming protective and fearful. He nipped a few of our house guests and a random guy in the neighborhood.
Over a $1000.00 of training, 3 behavioral specialists, and a electric fence later we have come to a heart-wrenching decision. Our first fur-baby has to go. We will not be able to submit our home study without a letter from the vet stating he does not have the potential to harm. And with his biting history he cannot be re-homed. We have been told our options are to surrender him back to the Humane Association or euthanize him at our vet. Regardless, his days here on earth are limited.
This is my husbands best pal, our little dogs best friend, and our cats favorite sleeping mate.
My heart just aches! It has never been my opinion that an animal should be put down for being aggressive. Yet here we are, stuck in a place I guess I always knew was coming. We always knew he wasn't a good dog. He's caused lots of anxiety for my DH and I. But we loved him despite it all.
Cesar Millan where are you? I've got a project for the doggie psychology center. Please?

Yes, a medically induced coma. I need a break from thinking about babies, IF, AF, what if, azoo, adoption, agencies, DS, DE, Zlin, baby bumps, irresponsible teen moms, and all other things related to these desires. I will take a steady infusion of propofol and fentanyl. It would quite possibly the only way I could stop thinking about it all. 3 or 4 days would be enough.... And if you monitor me while I sleep (I'll provide you detailed instructions), I will do the same for you... No Michael Jackson/ Dr. Murray mishaps. I'm a very cautious nurse. Like a little vacation...

Instead I will spend all my time off researching adoption agencies, making a budget, doing my taxes, and dreaming/stressing about our future. Then Monday night we have a meeting at a local agency that I have a good vibe for. Panel style discussion group with couples that have already adopted. Maybe we will find an agency we like. They don't require a 10k retainer. That's a plus. But, they also only placed 6 domestic infant adoptions last year. Never-the-less they can do our home study.

I'm still sad about heading towards adoption some days. I cannot help but think about the fact that money played such an issue in our journey. If we would have had infertility coverage on our insurance I'm sure our journey would have looked a little differently. That first time around could have worked... something could have worked. Or maybe we are just being spared from running out of chances at having our own baby bump. It's hard to think right now that just as people are meant to have babies, others are meant to adopt. In my brain it's still a second rate plan. It's gonna change. Just hope the healing happens before I crack apart. (I think it's time to get back on my Wellbutrin....such a happy little pill!)

So, it's for real. We are scared about the possibility and failed fertility treatments and are adopting. We've talked about it all week. DH seems so much more at ease. Except - there is so much to learn! Calling agencies, talking to people to did it themselves, the wait, the money, the birthmothers. It all seems a bit surreal and also a bit sad.
And then there is still the issue of the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad periods. I am in the process of petitioning my RE for metformin for the dreaded PCOS. Of course I have an 'old school' doc who believes in only prescribing me meds if I truly require them. So, more expensive blood work! In the mean time this Prometrium is no longer doing the trick. I just don't understand! I give up the baby bump, but still have to deal with this stupid shit! I want my BCP back... But I just cannot give up on the miracle that wont ever happen. (That is that my DH suddenly produces sperm and I miraculously ovulate). A girls allowed to dream, right?
I've been talking a lot about IF lately. Maybe my calling in life is to be an IF nurse educator... someone's got to tell the world how much our lives suck on a daily basis!

Somewhere over the weekend my heart, that felt it would never be content with adoption, has decided to adopt. It came somewhere in between talking with my BFF about her period finally coming after her miscarriage, the money and gamble related to going to Zlin, and catching up on few blogs where I found some gut-wrenching posts related to failed IVF attempts. My husband says his heart is more at ease. But, am I just being weak? I'm scared I will not be strong enough to face a failed IVF. We don't have a lot of money. It's all out of pocket no matter which way we go. But, I think I can give up the baby bump if it means bringing home a baby. Even though I want that bump SO bad. Bring on the nausea, vomiting, swollen ankles, fatigue... and everything else that comes with pregnancy. It means I'm giving up on a birth story. Giving up on 9 months of anticipation. Loosing the ability to monitor prenatal care. No kicking, no OB appointments, no ultrasounds....
My mom and her brother were adopted. My husband's uncle was adopted too. My little sister gave a child up for adoption. Yet, until this weekend I was unable to embrace the idea of harboring someone else's finished creation.
I read a post once about a IVF support group. The chick that attended was new to the IVF world and openly made a statement about how she hopes that the first one is the last one. She wrote on the Inspire website that several of the women snickered at her remark. She was quite furious. Some women from Inspire commented that they would not have openly chuckled, but that they too mused at the idea that IVF took on the first round.
This world of blogging and discussion boards has made me jaded. Jaded enough to believe that it's not gonna happen on the first try. That unless I have the money to go more than once I shouldn't be putting all my eggs in one basket (or womb I guess...)
Did my decision come from the anger at the odds stacked against us? Or my numerous fears? Or have I just come to a decision?
We didn't start this journey very long ago. I'm already worn out. I just want a baby.

About once a week hubs and I have a conversation about the future. Today it happened to be about a loan repayment program offered by the federal government to pay back my nursing school loans. It has a two year commitment. You cannot take extensive time off. You have to work at least 3/4 time for the full two years at the same place of employment. But where will we be in two years. Will I be a mommy? Will I want to work full time? What if Zlin works and I get some twins? We miss home some days. We miss our families. 2500 miles from anyone and anything that you know has it's good and bad moments. I cannot fathom the idea of having children that don't know their grandparents well. (We went to grandma and grandpa's house every Sunday after church). But those children may not come in two years... They might not come at all... I have enough college loan debt to keep us drowning for years. And that's not including the hubbies school loans from over ten years ago. The IFs of IF are really toying with my brain today. Vacation. No vacation. Bigger house. Same boring house. New car. Old car. Graduate school. Waiting for a miracle child... Putting life on hold for years of IF struggles... Anyone got a crystal ball I can borrow?