Sunday, February 6, 2011

Giving up the baby bump...

Somewhere over the weekend my heart, that felt it would never be content with adoption, has decided to adopt. It came somewhere in between talking with my BFF about her period finally coming after her miscarriage, the money and gamble related to going to Zlin, and catching up on few blogs where I found some gut-wrenching posts related to failed IVF attempts. My husband says his heart is more at ease. But, am I just being weak? I'm scared I will not be strong enough to face a failed IVF. We don't have a lot of money. It's all out of pocket no matter which way we go. But, I think I can give up the baby bump if it means bringing home a baby. Even though I want that bump SO bad. Bring on the nausea, vomiting, swollen ankles, fatigue... and everything else that comes with pregnancy. It means I'm giving up on a birth story. Giving up on 9 months of anticipation. Loosing the ability to monitor prenatal care. No kicking, no OB appointments, no ultrasounds....
My mom and her brother were adopted. My husband's uncle was adopted too. My little sister gave a child up for adoption. Yet, until this weekend I was unable to embrace the idea of harboring someone else's finished creation.
I read a post once about a IVF support group. The chick that attended was new to the IVF world and openly made a statement about how she hopes that the first one is the last one. She wrote on the Inspire website that several of the women snickered at her remark. She was quite furious. Some women from Inspire commented that they would not have openly chuckled, but that they too mused at the idea that IVF took on the first round.
This world of blogging and discussion boards has made me jaded. Jaded enough to believe that it's not gonna happen on the first try. That unless I have the money to go more than once I shouldn't be putting all my eggs in one basket (or womb I guess...)
Did my decision come from the anger at the odds stacked against us? Or my numerous fears? Or have I just come to a decision?
We didn't start this journey very long ago. I'm already worn out. I just want a baby.


Lulu said...

I am so proud of you for confronting the many emotions that even thinking about this must entail. To come to a decision, wow, I'm seriously impressed. I completely understand your reasoning and I support you if you choose to go the adoption route. Of course this is a decision only you and your hubby can make, and you have to listen to your hearts. : ) much love!

Rebekah said...

I am at the same crossroad. Its so painful to actually think of completely giving up my dream of experiencing pregnancy... I don't know how to make that decision and live with it. Ugh. But again, I'm with you on how the odds are not good... And adoption means you DO bring home a baby at the end. My DH also is leaning that direction...I'm not ready to give up though. Your post spoke to every single little tiny thing that I am looking forward to in a pregnancy. I want all that. I don't think you're being weak to consider giving it up though. I think you are being strong.
My fear is regret for giving up "too soon" without at least one attempt at IVF...But with a baby in my arms, would I care?

I hope that we can both find peace with whatever decision we come to.

Post a Comment