Thursday, February 17, 2011

Can I get a medically induced coma?

Yes, a medically induced coma. I need a break from thinking about babies, IF, AF, what if, azoo, adoption, agencies, DS, DE, Zlin, baby bumps, irresponsible teen moms, and all other things related to these desires. I will take a steady infusion of propofol and fentanyl. It would quite possibly the only way I could stop thinking about it all. 3 or 4 days would be enough.... And if you monitor me while I sleep (I'll provide you detailed instructions), I will do the same for you... No Michael Jackson/ Dr. Murray mishaps. I'm a very cautious nurse. Like a little vacation...

Instead I will spend all my time off researching adoption agencies, making a budget, doing my taxes, and dreaming/stressing about our future. Then Monday night we have a meeting at a local agency that I have a good vibe for. Panel style discussion group with couples that have already adopted. Maybe we will find an agency we like. They don't require a 10k retainer. That's a plus. But, they also only placed 6 domestic infant adoptions last year. Never-the-less they can do our home study.

I'm still sad about heading towards adoption some days. I cannot help but think about the fact that money played such an issue in our journey. If we would have had infertility coverage on our insurance I'm sure our journey would have looked a little differently. That first time around could have worked... something could have worked. Or maybe we are just being spared from running out of chances at having our own baby bump. It's hard to think right now that just as people are meant to have babies, others are meant to adopt. In my brain it's still a second rate plan. It's gonna change. Just hope the healing happens before I crack apart. (I think it's time to get back on my Wellbutrin....such a happy little pill!)


Michelle said...

I have thought about this so so many times. So much of this is so all-consuming and stressful. I would love to put in a coma, have ivf done and wake me up for the birth of my child. Too bad it's not possible.
Wishing you the best for your home study.

DtheRN said...

Michelle - Congratulations on your amazing news! It must be surreal!

Marissa said...

Hahahaha, I joke about comas all the time! I want one too!

I think any infertility treatment comes with a sense of loss. I do not say this to trivialize your emotions. But let's face it: none of the paths you and I have open to us towards having children would have been our first choice. Sex and success within 1-3 months, no losses, full-term perfectly healthy baby would have been. Didn't work out.

You can "have a baby" without being pregnant. No, it's not the same. And no, it's not FAIR that you might not get to experience all that. But in the end, you'll be a mom, raise a child, and have all those years of enjoyment from that.

Lulu said...

Maybe not a coma, but maybe you should take a weekend off. Change your scenery, focus on something else, you don't have to spend a lot of money, but just something to take your mind off it?

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