I work in a large medical center. It's a teaching hospital. I have spread my legs and dialoged my ailments to medical students, residence, new nurses, and visiting doctors. And, I don't have a problem with it. I also grew as a nurse in this hospital. I have been the one observing, learning, doing, and teaching. So, when my RE asked me what my hubby and I are thinking about doing for fertility treatments (in the audience of three other doctors) I decide to launch into the Zlin topic. I got three blank, confused stares from the on-lookers and a snide remark from my RE... 

RE: "Your husband does know that donor sperm is used in the process of donor embryo, right?" (Uh, no doc I just forgot to tell him! He thought it was some sort of asexual reproduction!) 

Me: Well, yes. But he doesn't want to use donor sperm. He's not comfortable with it...

RE: "Why?"

Me: (A little more than irritated at this moment) Well, he likes the idea that donor embryo is like adoption. And in the Czech Republic we can get it done for 10k. And it's his diagnosis that has got us here. I have to respect his feelings. 

You don't need to know the rest of the converstation. The point is I AM TIRED OF STANDING UP FOR MY HUSBANDS POINT OF VIEW! I don't care for the crazy Zlin idea most days. Giving up on my own eggs for the sake of my husband was a choice I made because we are in this together. Why would someone think I've decided this on my own? Most days I don't care for the idea either, but I'm left without options. I pray that he changes his mind soon. I want be given the chance to do IUI with donor sperm. At this moment it's not in the cards people! I have poured my tears over this matter. It haunts me daily. I've got a tough journey (I mean WE have a tough journey) ahead. NO ONE takes into account that my darling husband was told he is incapable of producing his on children by a phone call. And then a month later they ripped out one of his testicles. And now he has to save all his hard earned money to by himself a baby. On top of the guilt he feels because really it is his problem that is keeping us from biological children. 

*Breathe*

Oh, I feel a little better...

And someone joked with me last night at work about how we are lucky. We should just save our money that most people spend on children and go on lots of vacations! I wanted to tell her that I would take her two small children home with me and she could have all my money. 

Three births at work this week, and I don't work anywhere near the OB floor. They all happened to be co-workers. Fantastic. (They were all beautiful and I cooed over each one of them). I love babies, but this is overkill. Pregnant sister then post 4th pregnancy belly pictures on FB. I am surrounded. And I sit hear crocheting a baby blanket. Not for us of course.
Lately we have been toying with the idea of pursuing a second option for hubby and a possible mTESE. Hard to give up on the biological component. So expensive, and who know if it would yield anything. Maybe I should start playing the lottery? Fundraising? Bake sale? What if I donated my eggs while waiting? (Oh, don't think I haven't thought about it...) Why do we all have to pay so much for our children?

Found myself nauseous this morning and that silly little thought crossed my mind. The thought that teases your mind, tickles your insides, gets you dreaming about the future, and then makes you feel absolutely stupid. To think that I could become pregnant naturally is a joke. Somedays though, I just want to pretend and think it could happen. I know I don't ovulate, and hubby has no swimmers. Hmmmm, sounds impossible. (It doesn't help that after the deed hubby always laments that he wishes that one would have took...) It would be a miracle child. But what keeps me thinking these silly thoughts? The hope for a baby in the future? Denial of our journey ahead? The belief in miracles? Not sure. What I do know - I need to just stop it. I don't think it's helpful. Just another day wishing for a baby...

My husband has been strong and optimistic during this whole adventure. Granted his azoo diagnosis mixed with a little PCOS means for a long journey. And as AF usually does, I got super emotional. After a couple tasty beverages my mouth opened and everything I had refused to bring up about donor sperm, donor eggs, IVF abroad, the fact that my eggs are probably good, Zlin children, ect... And the fact that I watch what I say around him because I don't want to hurt him. It's not a secret we are in this bumpy journey because of his lack of swimmers.
After the conversation was done several phrases stuck in my head. My husband said he has no one to talk to about all of this. That he cannot get over his irrational thoughts about donor sperm, but who ever would he discuss this with? That he's tired of gynecologists and RE's. They cater to the female crowd. It's not like he knows someone else with his diagnosis. He even mentioned several books (like Helping the Stork), but I know they are from a female perspective. He did however make an appointment with a male counselor that works with MFI. Hopefully he can find some solace in his words...
I am so thankful for this huge community of women. I don't know where I'd be without ya'll. Puts in to perspective where my hubby must be... and I just sit and cry.

Something like "Not intended for IF viewing"
Sister, 23 years old now pregnant with 4th child/3rd baby daddy posted her ultrasound pictures today. I could help but stare at it with envy and loathing. Why God? She doesn't have a job, lives off the government, never finished high school, and just got a divorce. And that's not the baby's daddy. I'm just so fed up somedays. Not to mention that I'm emotional right now (thanks AF) and stupid commercials trigger tears. I know I have plans for this year. BIG plans. But I'd rather just get knocked up. Bring another welfare child into this world. Oh, I'm bitter. Excuse me. Maybe I'll go eat some chocolate...

We stared off the New Year with a sleepy kiss. I never even make it to the bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Nightshift does that to a person. I sleep at every chance I get, for as long as I am allowed. Worked seven out of eight days, give this girl a break! When I finally woke up, and decided to become a functioning member of society, we talked about how this new year was going to change our life. Zlin is really starting to become a reality! We have the money saved up, now just waiting for hubby to get his next installment of vacation from work. Looks like September will be our month. In a perfect world we go to Zlin, implant too, come home with twins...and my IF journey is complete. (Until I decide it was too much fun and want to do it again...)
Hubby had his post-op appointment with his urologist this week. No cancer! found in the testicle. They did however find a few beginnings of sperm production and a small amount of testosterone. I cannot help but wonder if that means he may actually make some sperm somewhere? We will do a repeat SA and blood work in six months to follow his progress. The urologist isn't ever sure if my hubby will make sperm, but he says in a couple of years things could change. We just need to be patient. (Of course we want children now, not when we are 40 so Zlin we go! )
BFF is doing better. Had to do another round of Cytotech (what a nightmare) but bought herself a puppy to counter the loss. She's gonna start trying again soon. They will test her for a Luteal Phase defect.

Hope ya'll had a great start to the new year. I am excited for the BFP to come!