Somewhere over the weekend my heart, that felt it would never be content with adoption, has decided to adopt. It came somewhere in between talking with my BFF about her period finally coming after her miscarriage, the money and gamble related to going to Zlin, and catching up on few blogs where I found some gut-wrenching posts related to failed IVF attempts. My husband says his heart is more at ease. But, am I just being weak? I'm scared I will not be strong enough to face a failed IVF. We don't have a lot of money. It's all out of pocket no matter which way we go. But, I think I can give up the baby bump if it means bringing home a baby. Even though I want that bump SO bad. Bring on the nausea, vomiting, swollen ankles, fatigue... and everything else that comes with pregnancy. It means I'm giving up on a birth story. Giving up on 9 months of anticipation. Loosing the ability to monitor prenatal care. No kicking, no OB appointments, no ultrasounds....
My mom and her brother were adopted. My husband's uncle was adopted too. My little sister gave a child up for adoption. Yet, until this weekend I was unable to embrace the idea of harboring someone else's finished creation.
I read a post once about a IVF support group. The chick that attended was new to the IVF world and openly made a statement about how she hopes that the first one is the last one. She wrote on the Inspire website that several of the women snickered at her remark. She was quite furious. Some women from Inspire commented that they would not have openly chuckled, but that they too mused at the idea that IVF took on the first round.
This world of blogging and discussion boards has made me jaded. Jaded enough to believe that it's not gonna happen on the first try. That unless I have the money to go more than once I shouldn't be putting all my eggs in one basket (or womb I guess...)
Did my decision come from the anger at the odds stacked against us? Or my numerous fears? Or have I just come to a decision?
We didn't start this journey very long ago. I'm already worn out. I just want a baby.

About once a week hubs and I have a conversation about the future. Today it happened to be about a loan repayment program offered by the federal government to pay back my nursing school loans. It has a two year commitment. You cannot take extensive time off. You have to work at least 3/4 time for the full two years at the same place of employment. But where will we be in two years. Will I be a mommy? Will I want to work full time? What if Zlin works and I get some twins? We miss home some days. We miss our families. 2500 miles from anyone and anything that you know has it's good and bad moments. I cannot fathom the idea of having children that don't know their grandparents well. (We went to grandma and grandpa's house every Sunday after church). But those children may not come in two years... They might not come at all... I have enough college loan debt to keep us drowning for years. And that's not including the hubbies school loans from over ten years ago. The IFs of IF are really toying with my brain today. Vacation. No vacation. Bigger house. Same boring house. New car. Old car. Graduate school. Waiting for a miracle child... Putting life on hold for years of IF struggles... Anyone got a crystal ball I can borrow?

I work in a large medical center. It's a teaching hospital. I have spread my legs and dialoged my ailments to medical students, residence, new nurses, and visiting doctors. And, I don't have a problem with it. I also grew as a nurse in this hospital. I have been the one observing, learning, doing, and teaching. So, when my RE asked me what my hubby and I are thinking about doing for fertility treatments (in the audience of three other doctors) I decide to launch into the Zlin topic. I got three blank, confused stares from the on-lookers and a snide remark from my RE... 

RE: "Your husband does know that donor sperm is used in the process of donor embryo, right?" (Uh, no doc I just forgot to tell him! He thought it was some sort of asexual reproduction!) 

Me: Well, yes. But he doesn't want to use donor sperm. He's not comfortable with it...

RE: "Why?"

Me: (A little more than irritated at this moment) Well, he likes the idea that donor embryo is like adoption. And in the Czech Republic we can get it done for 10k. And it's his diagnosis that has got us here. I have to respect his feelings. 

You don't need to know the rest of the converstation. The point is I AM TIRED OF STANDING UP FOR MY HUSBANDS POINT OF VIEW! I don't care for the crazy Zlin idea most days. Giving up on my own eggs for the sake of my husband was a choice I made because we are in this together. Why would someone think I've decided this on my own? Most days I don't care for the idea either, but I'm left without options. I pray that he changes his mind soon. I want be given the chance to do IUI with donor sperm. At this moment it's not in the cards people! I have poured my tears over this matter. It haunts me daily. I've got a tough journey (I mean WE have a tough journey) ahead. NO ONE takes into account that my darling husband was told he is incapable of producing his on children by a phone call. And then a month later they ripped out one of his testicles. And now he has to save all his hard earned money to by himself a baby. On top of the guilt he feels because really it is his problem that is keeping us from biological children. 

*Breathe*

Oh, I feel a little better...

And someone joked with me last night at work about how we are lucky. We should just save our money that most people spend on children and go on lots of vacations! I wanted to tell her that I would take her two small children home with me and she could have all my money. 

Three births at work this week, and I don't work anywhere near the OB floor. They all happened to be co-workers. Fantastic. (They were all beautiful and I cooed over each one of them). I love babies, but this is overkill. Pregnant sister then post 4th pregnancy belly pictures on FB. I am surrounded. And I sit hear crocheting a baby blanket. Not for us of course.
Lately we have been toying with the idea of pursuing a second option for hubby and a possible mTESE. Hard to give up on the biological component. So expensive, and who know if it would yield anything. Maybe I should start playing the lottery? Fundraising? Bake sale? What if I donated my eggs while waiting? (Oh, don't think I haven't thought about it...) Why do we all have to pay so much for our children?

Found myself nauseous this morning and that silly little thought crossed my mind. The thought that teases your mind, tickles your insides, gets you dreaming about the future, and then makes you feel absolutely stupid. To think that I could become pregnant naturally is a joke. Somedays though, I just want to pretend and think it could happen. I know I don't ovulate, and hubby has no swimmers. Hmmmm, sounds impossible. (It doesn't help that after the deed hubby always laments that he wishes that one would have took...) It would be a miracle child. But what keeps me thinking these silly thoughts? The hope for a baby in the future? Denial of our journey ahead? The belief in miracles? Not sure. What I do know - I need to just stop it. I don't think it's helpful. Just another day wishing for a baby...

My husband has been strong and optimistic during this whole adventure. Granted his azoo diagnosis mixed with a little PCOS means for a long journey. And as AF usually does, I got super emotional. After a couple tasty beverages my mouth opened and everything I had refused to bring up about donor sperm, donor eggs, IVF abroad, the fact that my eggs are probably good, Zlin children, ect... And the fact that I watch what I say around him because I don't want to hurt him. It's not a secret we are in this bumpy journey because of his lack of swimmers.
After the conversation was done several phrases stuck in my head. My husband said he has no one to talk to about all of this. That he cannot get over his irrational thoughts about donor sperm, but who ever would he discuss this with? That he's tired of gynecologists and RE's. They cater to the female crowd. It's not like he knows someone else with his diagnosis. He even mentioned several books (like Helping the Stork), but I know they are from a female perspective. He did however make an appointment with a male counselor that works with MFI. Hopefully he can find some solace in his words...
I am so thankful for this huge community of women. I don't know where I'd be without ya'll. Puts in to perspective where my hubby must be... and I just sit and cry.

Something like "Not intended for IF viewing"
Sister, 23 years old now pregnant with 4th child/3rd baby daddy posted her ultrasound pictures today. I could help but stare at it with envy and loathing. Why God? She doesn't have a job, lives off the government, never finished high school, and just got a divorce. And that's not the baby's daddy. I'm just so fed up somedays. Not to mention that I'm emotional right now (thanks AF) and stupid commercials trigger tears. I know I have plans for this year. BIG plans. But I'd rather just get knocked up. Bring another welfare child into this world. Oh, I'm bitter. Excuse me. Maybe I'll go eat some chocolate...