Home study is almost complete. Hubby and I go in this week for fingerprinting and are working on writing our Dear Birthmother letter. That is quite a task! The most important "resume" I have ever tried to create. Hubby and I sat down for several hours and got no further than the first paragraph....
People are starting to ask more about how it's all going. I need a more positive outlook on it all. It needs not to be the "second best" option for me. The amount of envy I have for everyone pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or even with the possibility of pregnancy is more than I can handle. 5 people will have their beautiful babies around me in the next two months. So, I'm on the quest for a new therapist. The one I'm trying to get in with specializes with "Reproductive Issues" and is a psychiatrist. It's a hundred dollars a session though... all the good ones refuse to deal with insurance. Stinks.
All that being said, I think I need a new blog. One that gets happy about the adoption journey. One that people can go to and see how we are getting ready for a baby. If my family followed me on here they would see a very different side of me. I'm sure that is true with most of us blogging on infertility. Although, maybe if someone of those key people in our lives read our pain they would understand a little better.
I plan on drinking a lot of beer this summer. I banned prenatals from my morning routine. I'm going to loose some weight. I've got to take this "paper pregnancy" for all that it's worth. I've got to get happy about something, this darkness is too familiar and I don't want to be there again.

First of four homestudies was completed on Friday. We learned a ton of information. Overloaded with information actually. But it feels good to be in the planning stages of something again. I love to plan.
The best part about our meeting came out of questions we had to answer about each other. I was reaffirmed about how much my hubby loves me and why he is still in love with me. It was great having him explain how he knew I was suppose to be his wife. How he knows I love him now. How I show him I love him in everyday life. Like a sweet anniversary talk, but better. Oh, and it's now in a legal document!
We are now busying ourselves with getting our autobiographies done and writing our "Dear Birthmother" letter. Our social worker told us she want's us to complete all of our paperwork rather quickly. They are currently in the early stages of working with two birthmothers and want to be able to show our profile! (I know it's early and they could back out at any time...) but it's so exciting to think that maybe my little one is being formed at the moment. Specially created, just for us!
We have started to think about fundraising. It's hard to justify soliciting money from our loved ones. We thought about a garage sale. T-shirts are a popular idea. But there is no quick way to try to obtain 30k!

In all of this excitement I have been feeling sad at the loss of being in the group of azoo/pcos/art girls. I feel like I no longer fit in on the boards under third-party reproduction. It has been such a big part of my everyday life to get on and follow the stories of so many courageous couples. The adoption groups are not the same. In some respect it's like going through a really long cycle and TWW. They say once all your paperwork is done you become 'paper pregnant'. (A very long pregnancy, I might add!).

Today though, adoption feels like my path to motherhood. Hubs and I have even started thinking that a mixed racial kid would be o.k. Our ideas about adoption are changing. Hopefully the excitement of all of this will outweigh the infertility woes that lurk in my darkness. It's a new exciting adventure. I need to give us a chance.

The combination of being sleep deprived, depressed, and sitting among cute pregnant fertile women destroyed my morning. Why I chose to see an RE with an office in an OB/GYN clinic is beyond me! The tears started flowing the moment I walked in the door. I was literally diverting my eyes from looking at all those big beautiful bellies. Then the RE speculates that I am developing some endo and recommends I get back on BCP's to see if my pain gets better. I know that creating a child the old fashioned way is next to impossible for hubby and I. But it feels so wrong to be back on the pill... What about my miracle child?
I told the RE we had moved on to adoption. But you know, I'm not sure if I have moved on to adoption. I still want that baby bump. I'm angry at my hubby for not letting us use donor sperm. You better believe we would have used donor eggs if the tables were turned... Everytime I hear that someone might be donating their 'leftover' embies I get a little excited. I know I'm supposed to grieve the loss of not being able to be pregnant and carry a child. But I don't know how to get there. I feel like I lost something important by not trying to get pregnant. Even if it were a couple failed attempts. I don't even get to say we tried. (Well, we try but you know...)
And I am SO tired of everyone saying that as soon as we get an adoption placement we'll get pregnant naturally! It's just as horrible as saying 'just stop trying and it will happen'. Or my grandma that told me that I just needed to pray about it and it would happen... REALLY? Because I've never thought about praying for something I wanted so bad.
My hubby says that he feels like he's holding me back from something important in my life. What do I say to him? I don't want to make him feel any worse. Azoo has got to feel like a pretty horrible place to be. At least I have the internet and my blogs. He has no one. And all four of his office buddies are having babies in the next month or so.
Homestudy is friday. I hope she doesn't ask me to describe how I've moved on from wanting to carry a child of my own. I don't have a clue about how I am going to overcome this one!

We are officially starting the process... 1st home study is next Friday! 3 hours of life review and other fun things! Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel a darkness creep up inside me as I acknowledge that we are moving on with adoption. The loss of not pursing pregnancy/labor is really starting darken my outlook. Will I ever get over the loss of not carrying a child? Yet in the same breath I cannot fathom the pain so many of my infertile cyber family have faced. Our odds are so stacked against us. I pray that God settles my heart and helps me realize that something little and perfect is out there for us. We just have to wait for that perfect creation to be born. And may I find a good therapist who doesn't just acknowledge that infertility is a factor of my life but understands the pain and realities of it all.

Brewer was our first love. A small, helpless puppy with the sweetest face. We saw him at the Humane Association. We left and found ourselves talking about him on the way home. And so, the very next day we made him our own. Our first dog together.
As days and months went by we realized this was not the dog we had envisioned. His projected 50lbs. quickly turned into a tall and lean 90 lbs. He was hyper and learned how to escape. He started becoming protective and fearful. He nipped a few of our house guests and a random guy in the neighborhood.
Over a $1000.00 of training, 3 behavioral specialists, and a electric fence later we have come to a heart-wrenching decision. Our first fur-baby has to go. We will not be able to submit our home study without a letter from the vet stating he does not have the potential to harm. And with his biting history he cannot be re-homed. We have been told our options are to surrender him back to the Humane Association or euthanize him at our vet. Regardless, his days here on earth are limited.
This is my husbands best pal, our little dogs best friend, and our cats favorite sleeping mate.
My heart just aches! It has never been my opinion that an animal should be put down for being aggressive. Yet here we are, stuck in a place I guess I always knew was coming. We always knew he wasn't a good dog. He's caused lots of anxiety for my DH and I. But we loved him despite it all.
Cesar Millan where are you? I've got a project for the doggie psychology center. Please?

Yes, a medically induced coma. I need a break from thinking about babies, IF, AF, what if, azoo, adoption, agencies, DS, DE, Zlin, baby bumps, irresponsible teen moms, and all other things related to these desires. I will take a steady infusion of propofol and fentanyl. It would quite possibly the only way I could stop thinking about it all. 3 or 4 days would be enough.... And if you monitor me while I sleep (I'll provide you detailed instructions), I will do the same for you... No Michael Jackson/ Dr. Murray mishaps. I'm a very cautious nurse. Like a little vacation...

Instead I will spend all my time off researching adoption agencies, making a budget, doing my taxes, and dreaming/stressing about our future. Then Monday night we have a meeting at a local agency that I have a good vibe for. Panel style discussion group with couples that have already adopted. Maybe we will find an agency we like. They don't require a 10k retainer. That's a plus. But, they also only placed 6 domestic infant adoptions last year. Never-the-less they can do our home study.

I'm still sad about heading towards adoption some days. I cannot help but think about the fact that money played such an issue in our journey. If we would have had infertility coverage on our insurance I'm sure our journey would have looked a little differently. That first time around could have worked... something could have worked. Or maybe we are just being spared from running out of chances at having our own baby bump. It's hard to think right now that just as people are meant to have babies, others are meant to adopt. In my brain it's still a second rate plan. It's gonna change. Just hope the healing happens before I crack apart. (I think it's time to get back on my Wellbutrin....such a happy little pill!)

So, it's for real. We are scared about the possibility and failed fertility treatments and are adopting. We've talked about it all week. DH seems so much more at ease. Except - there is so much to learn! Calling agencies, talking to people to did it themselves, the wait, the money, the birthmothers. It all seems a bit surreal and also a bit sad.
And then there is still the issue of the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad periods. I am in the process of petitioning my RE for metformin for the dreaded PCOS. Of course I have an 'old school' doc who believes in only prescribing me meds if I truly require them. So, more expensive blood work! In the mean time this Prometrium is no longer doing the trick. I just don't understand! I give up the baby bump, but still have to deal with this stupid shit! I want my BCP back... But I just cannot give up on the miracle that wont ever happen. (That is that my DH suddenly produces sperm and I miraculously ovulate). A girls allowed to dream, right?
I've been talking a lot about IF lately. Maybe my calling in life is to be an IF nurse educator... someone's got to tell the world how much our lives suck on a daily basis!

Somewhere over the weekend my heart, that felt it would never be content with adoption, has decided to adopt. It came somewhere in between talking with my BFF about her period finally coming after her miscarriage, the money and gamble related to going to Zlin, and catching up on few blogs where I found some gut-wrenching posts related to failed IVF attempts. My husband says his heart is more at ease. But, am I just being weak? I'm scared I will not be strong enough to face a failed IVF. We don't have a lot of money. It's all out of pocket no matter which way we go. But, I think I can give up the baby bump if it means bringing home a baby. Even though I want that bump SO bad. Bring on the nausea, vomiting, swollen ankles, fatigue... and everything else that comes with pregnancy. It means I'm giving up on a birth story. Giving up on 9 months of anticipation. Loosing the ability to monitor prenatal care. No kicking, no OB appointments, no ultrasounds....
My mom and her brother were adopted. My husband's uncle was adopted too. My little sister gave a child up for adoption. Yet, until this weekend I was unable to embrace the idea of harboring someone else's finished creation.
I read a post once about a IVF support group. The chick that attended was new to the IVF world and openly made a statement about how she hopes that the first one is the last one. She wrote on the Inspire website that several of the women snickered at her remark. She was quite furious. Some women from Inspire commented that they would not have openly chuckled, but that they too mused at the idea that IVF took on the first round.
This world of blogging and discussion boards has made me jaded. Jaded enough to believe that it's not gonna happen on the first try. That unless I have the money to go more than once I shouldn't be putting all my eggs in one basket (or womb I guess...)
Did my decision come from the anger at the odds stacked against us? Or my numerous fears? Or have I just come to a decision?
We didn't start this journey very long ago. I'm already worn out. I just want a baby.

About once a week hubs and I have a conversation about the future. Today it happened to be about a loan repayment program offered by the federal government to pay back my nursing school loans. It has a two year commitment. You cannot take extensive time off. You have to work at least 3/4 time for the full two years at the same place of employment. But where will we be in two years. Will I be a mommy? Will I want to work full time? What if Zlin works and I get some twins? We miss home some days. We miss our families. 2500 miles from anyone and anything that you know has it's good and bad moments. I cannot fathom the idea of having children that don't know their grandparents well. (We went to grandma and grandpa's house every Sunday after church). But those children may not come in two years... They might not come at all... I have enough college loan debt to keep us drowning for years. And that's not including the hubbies school loans from over ten years ago. The IFs of IF are really toying with my brain today. Vacation. No vacation. Bigger house. Same boring house. New car. Old car. Graduate school. Waiting for a miracle child... Putting life on hold for years of IF struggles... Anyone got a crystal ball I can borrow?

I work in a large medical center. It's a teaching hospital. I have spread my legs and dialoged my ailments to medical students, residence, new nurses, and visiting doctors. And, I don't have a problem with it. I also grew as a nurse in this hospital. I have been the one observing, learning, doing, and teaching. So, when my RE asked me what my hubby and I are thinking about doing for fertility treatments (in the audience of three other doctors) I decide to launch into the Zlin topic. I got three blank, confused stares from the on-lookers and a snide remark from my RE... 

RE: "Your husband does know that donor sperm is used in the process of donor embryo, right?" (Uh, no doc I just forgot to tell him! He thought it was some sort of asexual reproduction!) 

Me: Well, yes. But he doesn't want to use donor sperm. He's not comfortable with it...

RE: "Why?"

Me: (A little more than irritated at this moment) Well, he likes the idea that donor embryo is like adoption. And in the Czech Republic we can get it done for 10k. And it's his diagnosis that has got us here. I have to respect his feelings. 

You don't need to know the rest of the converstation. The point is I AM TIRED OF STANDING UP FOR MY HUSBANDS POINT OF VIEW! I don't care for the crazy Zlin idea most days. Giving up on my own eggs for the sake of my husband was a choice I made because we are in this together. Why would someone think I've decided this on my own? Most days I don't care for the idea either, but I'm left without options. I pray that he changes his mind soon. I want be given the chance to do IUI with donor sperm. At this moment it's not in the cards people! I have poured my tears over this matter. It haunts me daily. I've got a tough journey (I mean WE have a tough journey) ahead. NO ONE takes into account that my darling husband was told he is incapable of producing his on children by a phone call. And then a month later they ripped out one of his testicles. And now he has to save all his hard earned money to by himself a baby. On top of the guilt he feels because really it is his problem that is keeping us from biological children. 

*Breathe*

Oh, I feel a little better...

And someone joked with me last night at work about how we are lucky. We should just save our money that most people spend on children and go on lots of vacations! I wanted to tell her that I would take her two small children home with me and she could have all my money. 

Three births at work this week, and I don't work anywhere near the OB floor. They all happened to be co-workers. Fantastic. (They were all beautiful and I cooed over each one of them). I love babies, but this is overkill. Pregnant sister then post 4th pregnancy belly pictures on FB. I am surrounded. And I sit hear crocheting a baby blanket. Not for us of course.
Lately we have been toying with the idea of pursuing a second option for hubby and a possible mTESE. Hard to give up on the biological component. So expensive, and who know if it would yield anything. Maybe I should start playing the lottery? Fundraising? Bake sale? What if I donated my eggs while waiting? (Oh, don't think I haven't thought about it...) Why do we all have to pay so much for our children?

Found myself nauseous this morning and that silly little thought crossed my mind. The thought that teases your mind, tickles your insides, gets you dreaming about the future, and then makes you feel absolutely stupid. To think that I could become pregnant naturally is a joke. Somedays though, I just want to pretend and think it could happen. I know I don't ovulate, and hubby has no swimmers. Hmmmm, sounds impossible. (It doesn't help that after the deed hubby always laments that he wishes that one would have took...) It would be a miracle child. But what keeps me thinking these silly thoughts? The hope for a baby in the future? Denial of our journey ahead? The belief in miracles? Not sure. What I do know - I need to just stop it. I don't think it's helpful. Just another day wishing for a baby...

My husband has been strong and optimistic during this whole adventure. Granted his azoo diagnosis mixed with a little PCOS means for a long journey. And as AF usually does, I got super emotional. After a couple tasty beverages my mouth opened and everything I had refused to bring up about donor sperm, donor eggs, IVF abroad, the fact that my eggs are probably good, Zlin children, ect... And the fact that I watch what I say around him because I don't want to hurt him. It's not a secret we are in this bumpy journey because of his lack of swimmers.
After the conversation was done several phrases stuck in my head. My husband said he has no one to talk to about all of this. That he cannot get over his irrational thoughts about donor sperm, but who ever would he discuss this with? That he's tired of gynecologists and RE's. They cater to the female crowd. It's not like he knows someone else with his diagnosis. He even mentioned several books (like Helping the Stork), but I know they are from a female perspective. He did however make an appointment with a male counselor that works with MFI. Hopefully he can find some solace in his words...
I am so thankful for this huge community of women. I don't know where I'd be without ya'll. Puts in to perspective where my hubby must be... and I just sit and cry.

Something like "Not intended for IF viewing"
Sister, 23 years old now pregnant with 4th child/3rd baby daddy posted her ultrasound pictures today. I could help but stare at it with envy and loathing. Why God? She doesn't have a job, lives off the government, never finished high school, and just got a divorce. And that's not the baby's daddy. I'm just so fed up somedays. Not to mention that I'm emotional right now (thanks AF) and stupid commercials trigger tears. I know I have plans for this year. BIG plans. But I'd rather just get knocked up. Bring another welfare child into this world. Oh, I'm bitter. Excuse me. Maybe I'll go eat some chocolate...

We stared off the New Year with a sleepy kiss. I never even make it to the bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Nightshift does that to a person. I sleep at every chance I get, for as long as I am allowed. Worked seven out of eight days, give this girl a break! When I finally woke up, and decided to become a functioning member of society, we talked about how this new year was going to change our life. Zlin is really starting to become a reality! We have the money saved up, now just waiting for hubby to get his next installment of vacation from work. Looks like September will be our month. In a perfect world we go to Zlin, implant too, come home with twins...and my IF journey is complete. (Until I decide it was too much fun and want to do it again...)
Hubby had his post-op appointment with his urologist this week. No cancer! found in the testicle. They did however find a few beginnings of sperm production and a small amount of testosterone. I cannot help but wonder if that means he may actually make some sperm somewhere? We will do a repeat SA and blood work in six months to follow his progress. The urologist isn't ever sure if my hubby will make sperm, but he says in a couple of years things could change. We just need to be patient. (Of course we want children now, not when we are 40 so Zlin we go! )
BFF is doing better. Had to do another round of Cytotech (what a nightmare) but bought herself a puppy to counter the loss. She's gonna start trying again soon. They will test her for a Luteal Phase defect.

Hope ya'll had a great start to the new year. I am excited for the BFP to come!